Working with differences

You enjoy ballet, your partner would rather watch football. You are tidy and organised, your partner is quite dis-organised. You like to stay in and your partner likes to go out socialising.

There may be a voice inside saying ‘We just aren’t compatible!’ Maybe when you first met your partner you didn’t notice these differences?

Perhaps on some level you did notice but chose to ignore it. Maybe you were more flexible and able to make allowances, perhaps this skill you once had could be re-employed?

Let’s consider some facts about perceived incompatibilities:

Some differences are more serious than others. A big part of getting to know someone is determining compatibility. When we discover serious differences, some couples break up rather than entering into a committed relationship. Others of us don’t always have the courage or forethought to do this.

No two people are the same It is normal for partners to have differences such as hobbies, habits, ways of doing things.

Hobbies: ‘My dad never liked sports so I grew up without ever having watched a game in my life’ said Sally ‘but my partner and his family grew up going to football matches every week’. I find it hard when it is on the TV every weekend and my partner is so engrossed in it’.

Habits. “My husband can stay up until 3am and still get up for work the next day but I need my full eight hours sleep and then some,” says a frustrated Ann.

Ways of doing things. You might be very open about how you are feeling, while your partner may shy and less conversant. “I grew up not talking about my personal problems,” says Danny “but my partner came from a family where everything was discussed openly.”

Differences can be helpful! Our way might be good but it doesn’t mean to say it’s the only way. Pooling ideas can get the job done more efficiently or in a way we may never have thought of.

Tips on what we can personally do

Be supportive: we may hate ballet but could we go just to keep our partner company? Can we show an interest in our partners interests because it’s important to them?

Stretch our views: we can become very rigid in the way we see things. Remember, just because our partners view is different than ours, it doesn’t make it ‘wrong’ and ours ‘right’. There are lots of ways to get from A to B even if we think our way is the most efficient!

Face Reality Being compatible does not mean being identical. So it may be helpful to not conclude that your relationship is a mistake because you have become aware of differences. “Lots of people fall back on ‘I was blinded by love,’” says the book The Case Against Divorce. However, “every day you spent together happy,” continues the book, “shows that despite whatever innate differences you have, you can love each other.”

What can I try?

Write down what you like, love, and find compatible about your partner.

Write down the things that you find incompatible.

You may find that your differences are less serious than you think?

The list will also reveal where you can be more tolerant or supportive of your partner.

The more helpful question could be, what can I do to be more tolerant and supportive? This places personal responsibility on each of us for our part in creating our intimate relationship.

Ask yourself: Do I appreciate it when my partner adjusts to me? Can we adjust to our partner and see what happens?

From research it is evident the way we think affects how we feel. If you think ‘we are not a good match’ you will keep finding evidence to support this thought. As an alternative, what would it be like to work as a team? See your differences as 'variety' instead of 'irritating'? Obstacles provide a great platform for personal growth and don’t have to mean 'The End'.

Remember if you concentrate on your incompatibilities and end your relationship, you may miss out on the benefits of being together in a committed relationship and being able to do the things together that you do both enjoy! The way we view things can make all the ‘difference’!

Happy Loving!